Dear Caleb -
What we seem to have here is a failure to communicate. Now, listen; I grew up never letting dogs on the bed. Cats, sure, cats are clean. Dogs, dogs are not.
I know, I know, you're right, they do scratch around in the litterbox and then lick their own paws. However, you and I both know that we've never seen a cat roll in something undescribable in the yard, or throw itself into my fish pond, unlike your charming self.
You have a perfectly good set of wonderful, orthopedic dog beds on the floor. In fact, all of the other dogs find them absolutely fantastic, and are right now as we speak, cuddled up in them. Simon's even on his back with all four paws in the air and snoring.
Your brother has no problems accepting that well, there are some things in life that dogs must regrettably do in order to balance out the fact that humans feed you, devote our lives to your well-being... and for goodness sake, we even stand there with in the cold with a baggie while you debate exactly what is the perfect spot. That's love, right there.
In conclusion, now that we've come to an understanding... get on your own side of the bed. Thank you.
(Hey, I can't help this one tonight -- I'm as sick as... well, the dogs are always healthy, thank goodness. I think I have the flu - it's totally knocked me for a loop. Last night, I half-dazedly remember pondering about getting up and going to the kitchen to get something, but not really. When realized that I was actually standing there, the Cardis and the cat had followed and were looking up at me, in a rather worried way. Apparently, I don't often just stand in the kitchen at three AM. They had a good point.)